When the caregiver needs care

If you read my last post you know it has been a bit stressful around here, if not you can read it here. My mind has been working 24/7 trying to find ways to help Sophia get better everyday and dealing with everything that comes with it. Every time there was a crisis I'd lose my mind trying to figure out what caused it, was it the new herb? was it the full moon? was something I did? was it something I didn't do? I wanted to find the answer to these questions so bad that I ended up so stressed that I found myself getting upset very easily because of everything and anything: if I forgot something upstairs or if I spilled my coffee it was the end of the world. It got so bad that I caught myself yelling at Sophia for no reason at all. Those moments were the worst!
Almost immediately, the guilt and the anger, the sadness and the frustration and every other feeling in between, would pile up on my shoulders... so heavy. That big pile of feelings was like a thick brick wall that would stay between me and everyone else including my own daughter. That wall wouldn't let me accept my husband's comfort or my mom's hugs, not even Sophia's smile. I'm not sure why, maybe I didn't feel worth of any of them. I don't know but it hurt, it really did.
I needed to do something soon. Someone suggested that talking to a therapist could help me find ways to manage how I react to difficult situations. In the beginning, I honestly think it was going to be a waste of time and money, I mean, what was the therapist going to suggest? to count to ten? to step out and take a deep breath? to squeeze a stress ball? I knew all that theory, I just didn't know how to put in practice in moments of crisis. How was he/she going to help me with that?
I decided to give it a try and it was worth it! My therapist doesn't have the magic pill or the trick to be a happy person all the time but he does listen and validates my feelings so I don't feel like the worst mom in the world when I have a bad day. My loved ones had already said so to me but I guess I need to hear it from someone impartial. It was hard to admit that I too need to take care of myself so I can take care of Sophia, I guess I thought I needed to put my feelings away because she was more important and it ended up backfiring because they were piling up and hurting not only me but my daughter, my husband and my mom.
Now I look forward to the chatting with my therapist and I recognize that I have a lot on my plate and probably will for a long time but I also understand that it's ok to be mad, sad and frustrated at times and that doesn't make me a bad mom. It has worked, not every time but it's better and I am learning that I don't need to be a perfect supermom but the kind of mom Sophia needs and loves.