I am only human.

Last year was tough! It was hard for Sophia who had to suffer through not only the seizures but also side effects for the many different medications we tried, it was hard for us to see our little girl's beautiful personality fading away.  The last few months things have gotten a lot better, Sophia's VNS has worked well along two seizure medications and she is getting stronger and is back to being the happy girl we all know. We are back to our routine and I am excited to say that she hasn't missed a lot of school this year.
Yes, everything is better now and yet I have found myself stressing out about little things, things that I don't seem to deal with the way I probably should. Most of the times that Sophia cries I'm able to figure what is bothering her, but on the occasions when I'm not I feel like I run out of patience rather fast. I try to use the PODD to see if I can figure out what's upsetting her so I can fix it but I get so frustrated when I can't. I'm frustrated with the situation not with Sophia but unfortunately I seem to show my frustration by raising my voice to her. When I realize I'm yelling, a huge wave of guilt takes over my whole body and I feel so sad, I feel like I am letting Sophia down by not meeting all her needs and by not being patient. I feel like I am not that super mom many people think I am, like I am not the mother Sophia deserves because I am not patient when she needs me the most.
I have been told  that getting frustrated is part of being a parent and that does not make me a bad mother but for some reason it is really hard for me to understand that it is normal and that I am not the only one who feels like a bad parent for losing it every now and then. I guess I got so used to the fact that Sophia is the happiest kid ever and it used to be rare to see her upset that I just don't know how to deal with it.
In the last couple of months these crying moments have been happening more often and I was having a hard time handling it until I realized that sometimes the reason why Sophia cries is not always because there's something really wrong going on but that she is growing up and she is behaving like a typical kid who cries when she doesn't get her way. This is kind of amazing if I really think about it, Sophia has very typical behaviors, she knows what she wants and when she wants it and she makes sure we know when she disagrees with what we are doing! I decided I am going to embrace this and enjoy the ride, I still have my moments of course  but I am slowly getting to understand that I am only a human who make mistakes and gets tired and frustrated but who is trying her best to be everything that Sophia needs and deserves.