This girl!

This girl!

Thursday, October 24, 2013

I'm not there yet.

A few weeks ago, in my post: I am starting to own it I talked about how good I felt when the teacher said that Sophia was participating in the different school activities in her own special way. It was a long process but I was finally able to enjoy a meeting with parents of typical kids without feeling isolated. That's definitely a step in the right direction, but I still have a long way to go, I am not there yet.
There's other occasions when I still grieve for that child that I thought I was going to have when I learned I was pregnant. Most of those occasions are the celebrations and holidays I spend with my friend who is the mother of two typical kids.
 We have been friends for over 15 years and we have been there for each other through all the milestones: engagements, weddings and pregnancies. We get together at least once a week and try to cook something colombian and have a play date. I can deal with these visits, when it's just us and we are talking and the kids are playing. I don't feel isolated and I almost forget that Sophia is chronologically older than my friend's daughter. The problem is when it is this girl's birthday party, or Christmas or Halloween. I see in my friend's daughter most of the things that I am missing out on not having a typical kid: the excitement of opening presents at her birthday party and realizing that it's the toy that she has been asking for, or making sure she is being a good girl because Santa is watching, or having an argument about what she is going to be for Halloween.  It still hurts, and even though I adore Sophia just the way she is and I would honestly not change anything about her, it still hurts. My friend knows that this is nobody's fault, it's the way things are and it's our reality, she also understands my feelings and respects them and I so appreciate that. There will come a day when I can celebrate all of her children's milestones without feeling bad about it, but I am not there yet.

This year I decided to not go to my friend's house for the traditional Halloween party. I am not ready. I decided to stay at home that day and play with my little girl; maybe we will play one of her favorite games and enjoy her laugh and silliness. I might go next year, who knows, but not now, I am not there yet.
Make no mistake, I love this girl!

9 comments:

  1. Just wanted to give you an internet hug. I am no authority on acceptance, as I have some things I have yet to accept, but I do know that it comes at your pace and no sooner, and it is OK to take the time you need to get there. You are doing great just enjoying your sweet girl.

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  2. It is ok to be: not there yet. I feel for you because I wasn't always there yet either. And sometimes I'm still not and my daughter is 33. I thought this line was so honest: "I still grieve for that child that I thought I was going to have when I learned I was pregnant.'

    I totally understand because even though I feel joy when one of my friend's kids has some sort of success, it still hurts. I wanted those successes for my daughter too. Now we have different successes and I embrace each one. Sophia is lovely and just wanted to reach out and give you a warm hug today.

    Am stopping by from Love That Max today. http://outoneear.com

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    1. Thank you Linda, it's good to know that I am not the only one to feel this way sometimes.

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  3. Wow I have to agree with the last comment about the honesty of your comment about grieving expectations- being very touching. Its heart wrenching, actually and brave. Good for you for accepting her yet still acknowledging your own feelings of loss. Best of luck hang in there, she'll probably surprise you one day.

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  4. No tengo nada útil que decir, quiero escribirle algo reconfortante y me quedo mirando el teclado. Muy guerrera!!! LAS QUIERO MUCHO.

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    1. Gracias chinito, con querernos ayuda muchisimo!

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  5. Amiga:

    No sé qué decir… tal vez quede sin palabras….Solo puedo pensar en lo duro que puede ser tanto para ti como para Eric e incluso para Sofía, sin embargo la entereza, fortaleza y amor que han dedicado a su princesa es una hermosa ganancia, sé que es difícil y duro que aún no es posible no llorar o no sentir se así, tal vez lleve más tiempo del que se pensó, pero lo importante no es eso, lo importante es cómo te sientes tú y Eric al ver la sonrisa de tu hija, al ver como ella hace las cosas a su manera pero las hace, a ver como cada paso que da es un gran paso, tal vez añoras cosas que ves en otros pero creo también que lo que te ofrece Sofía es mucho más grande que estos pequeños momentos.
    Amiga desde la distancia te envío un fuerte abrazo y sé que lo importante no es que haga o no haga Sofía lo importante es estar allí para disfrutar cada gran paso que ella da por que sus pasos son magia para nuestras vidas.

    Un beso

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