I'm not there yet.

A few weeks ago, in my post: I am starting to own it I talked about how good I felt when the teacher said that Sophia was participating in the different school activities in her own special way. It was a long process but I was finally able to enjoy a meeting with parents of typical kids without feeling isolated. That's definitely a step in the right direction, but I still have a long way to go, I am not there yet.
There's other occasions when I still grieve for that child that I thought I was going to have when I learned I was pregnant. Most of those occasions are the celebrations and holidays I spend with my friend who is the mother of two typical kids.
 We have been friends for over 15 years and we have been there for each other through all the milestones: engagements, weddings and pregnancies. We get together at least once a week and try to cook something colombian and have a play date. I can deal with these visits, when it's just us and we are talking and the kids are playing. I don't feel isolated and I almost forget that Sophia is chronologically older than my friend's daughter. The problem is when it is this girl's birthday party, or Christmas or Halloween. I see in my friend's daughter most of the things that I am missing out on not having a typical kid: the excitement of opening presents at her birthday party and realizing that it's the toy that she has been asking for, or making sure she is being a good girl because Santa is watching, or having an argument about what she is going to be for Halloween.  It still hurts, and even though I adore Sophia just the way she is and I would honestly not change anything about her, it still hurts. My friend knows that this is nobody's fault, it's the way things are and it's our reality, she also understands my feelings and respects them and I so appreciate that. There will come a day when I can celebrate all of her children's milestones without feeling bad about it, but I am not there yet.

This year I decided to not go to my friend's house for the traditional Halloween party. I am not ready. I decided to stay at home that day and play with my little girl; maybe we will play one of her favorite games and enjoy her laugh and silliness. I might go next year, who knows, but not now, I am not there yet.

Make no mistake, I love this girl!