Last week, I decided to have an art session with Sophia like they do at school. At first she was having fun and she was mesmerized by the paint on her hands:
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But that lasted about a minute. Then she was done. All of a sudden, she didn't want the paint on her hands anymore, which is normal I know, but that's when my selfish side came through. I wanted to have the same interaction that a mom has with their typical kid: I guess I wanted Sophia to get excited about what I was drawing on the paper, or maybe I wanted her to show me what she drew all proud of herself... I don't really know what I was expecting Sophia to do but my selfish side got sad, maybe a little mad and definitely frustrated. It's like acknowledging what I don't have because of Sophia's chromosomal disorder, things like conversations, discussions, arguments and fights.
Then, there's the guilt. My true self comes and punishes my selfish side for feeling that way. Then I feel so bad and I want to apologize to Sophia and I hug her and I tell her I love her the way she is, Because it is true! I love my daughter and all the things she does, all those things that make her so special and unique. These episodes happen very rarely, fortunately! What does happen very often is the progress she is making, the interactions with us in her own special way, the smiles, the laughs, the playing games.
I have learned to focus on Sophia's abilities instead of her disabilities, and even though my selfish side shows up every once in a while, the real me, the one who loves Sophia unconditionally will fight and will win.
Besides, how could I be sad for long when I get to see this every single day??
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Mi amor, todos tenemos esos dos componentes, opuestos, si, pero complementarios también, y asombrosamente necesarios. Sin el uno no existe el otro. Sin la oscuridad no conoceríamos la luz, sin el mal - el bien, sin la tristeza - la alegría. No se sienta culpable o "mala" por esos momentos. Son propios del ser humano, y ese lado un poco oscuro, hace grande y bella, la otra cara de la moneda.
ReplyDeleteI love you
Ay mamita, tiene toda la razon, es necesario a veces ver lo que no se tiene para valorar lo que se tiene. Gracias mamita.
DeleteHay Natalia, no te atormentes por sentirte asi, todos tenemos esos momentos y luego se pasan, tu sabes cuanto amas a Sofi y ella lo sabe tambien, ella lo siente con cada momento que pasan juntas! Cuando sientas que ese lado sale, dejalo estar ahi 5 minutos, despues, dejalo pasar y enfocate en el hoy!
ReplyDeleteAbrazos
Si, tienes razon, ella sabe que la amo. Y es importante reconocer elsentimiento pero como dices, dejarlo ahi unos munutos y ya. Gracias,
DeleteAbrazos.
I know the selfish side, too. I guess it is just part of every human being. And there will always be days when whe just wish everything was "normal" However, it is so important that you love your beautiful girl for who she is! xo
ReplyDeleteAnd I have learnt it's also important to acknowledge that it's normal to feel that way every once in a while and then move on. It's also good to know that I am not the only one and that there's others like you who get me.
DeleteThank you.
You are definitely not the only one who feels this way. My son has developmental delays and because my daughter and I love anything to do with art, we often try to get Kyle (age 7) to color or do a craft. But he has absolutely no interest and gets very frustrated. Like you, I suddenly get very sad and wonder why I can't share a "typical" moment of arts & crafts with my son. But like you, I don't dwell on it too long because I focus on what he can do and on the unique things that make our relationship special.
ReplyDeleteI can completely relate!
Natica:
ReplyDeleteEso no solo te pasa a ti, a todos nos pasa y no solo es con nuestros hijos, pasa hasta con los seres que más amamos, con nuestras madres, es una actitud totalmente humana, es una forma de liberar tensiones y nivelar las cargas, amiga no te sientas mala madre por sentir esto es algo natural, lo hermoso del asunto es darse cuenta de lo felices que somos después de que hacemos la reflexión y de cuanto amamos lo que tenemos, eso es la esencia de la vida.
Un abrazito